Left Speechless

I experienced a medical test gone horribly wrong earlier this year. I won’t go into the gory details, but I lost my voice. I couldn’t talk. For 2 months.

No more reading stories to my grand-kids. No more leisurely conversations with friends. No more public events because I couldn’t be heard in a room full of people, let alone in my living room.

Worst of all – no more phone calls! Not with my children, and especially not with my daughter who lives in South America.

I was voiceless. Non-vocal. Inaudible.

I couldn’t work. I couldn’t teach. I couldn’t call clients. Some of you saw me with my headset and personal speaker. I took the Lily Tomlin operator jokes in stride, but they made me feel awkward and different.

I would wake up in the morning forgetting the state of my voice and try to speak. I could croak out words – but only with a few extremely patient people who wanted to hear what I had to say.

As with most things we lose, you don’t realize what you had until its gone.

I lost a huge part of me. I couldn’t be the me I knew. I couldn’t be the mother, confidant or community leader that are a part of who I am and how others know me.

In struggling with this experience, I also became aware of the struggles of others. By being physically silenced, I became less of a person to those who I met casually. In particular, I was ignored; denied eye contact and the acknowledgement that I was there.  If I couldn’t talk, I mustn’t be able to think or hear right?  In silence, my eyes were opened and a lesson was learned.

Professionally, I have championed the marginalized. I’ve seen how Alzheimer’s robs the person and their circle of all things familiar. I’ve watched therapists lead trauma impacted children through the early days of treatment. I’ve listened and hugged and celebrated the smallest of victories with those on the path to financial freedom.

I think until you’ve been there or championed someone who wants to be seen or heard, you just don’t appreciate your good fortune.

I was very lucky that surgery to my throat and vocal cords was able to repair the damage. My voice has returned – and my passion to help others is stronger than ever for this experience.